Saturday, March 8, 2014

so here i am looking towards the past, feeling rather new and changed, but mostly i am who i was just with different experience. i don't say "new" experience because it is only new to me. 

i have said very little in this forum for a very long time. the reason is not that i love Facebook , i don't, it is shallow and easily controlled it offers limited expression, and thought development. it is populated by those you hardly know or have time to. no one can really ask why? when a person is in a fluctuating state of mind and emotion. people on face book talk of common experiences that we all have, and that is good, but what do you learn? how has "friending someone" (not befriending them) changed you point of view, caused you to see what you have never known existed, or really gave you a feeling, beyond the surface? having just read three blogs in the last hour, written by women i have known since their childhood, it was excellent, i know them better now it is a more human experience, i feel more appreciation for the circumstance of the life they lead so well. the difference between the two social media models, is like being in a room with hundreds of people every one gets one utterance to the whole, or sitting with some one and hearing the thoughts and feeling flow out, and responding to them personally or in a small group. 

yes this is where i would prefer to talk over the distance we all accept as reality in our high speed world.....but what do i say? ,  can people even handle some of what i experience in my life? do i present in the story telling narrative or in the clinical safety of objectivism? how much of my life do i hide and how much to illuminate? it is very interesting to wonder, because now the clarity of this medium may suddenly become to much light in to many places that even i want to forget. and how do i change the stupid font????

my wife and children seemed to value some of what  i experience it seemed to help them see why i am quiet for a while after i get home.

i drive home and it takes some time, i reflect on the experience of the night before, life , death, pain and healing, sorrows and just plain BS crazy(don't ask). the reflections help me to deal with the cost of empathy in my job, i can't fake it as some can, i have to feel it, but it seems to work better. there are however emotional cost. during those times of quiet and alone i think i feel visited by the spirit for the means and mercy of God seeming to try to preserve my sanity and comfort, reassuring me that i can be the person i want to be as a nurse and still survive. i wonder if what i learn at those times would be of value or if it could even be translated to the written word? or if my weakness in writing would change the feeling and therefore the meaning? 

anyhow I'm still trying to figure out what i might say here in this forum?
but it feels good the wonder about it.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this post Shawn - I much prefer blogs of those I love to Facebook. I was very excited to see that you blogged - I've always thought you were VERY good at telling stories - I bet you could translate your thoughts to the written word quite well. Of course sometimes I feel as if I live in a bubble - when I hear about others struggles - like the things you see at your job - well they may scare me but I would find them fascinating. If anything they would make me have more gratitude for my own blessed life. So,,, I say ... blog on brother! love you!