Monday, April 21, 2014

perfect memories

I wonder why perfection is so fleeting in this world? It seems like if something was perfect it would last longer. There are memories that for me are perfect, even if the unpacking and re packing of them happen often enough, that metaphorically the memories becomes polished and embellished with time.... Here are a few.

1. The first time I climbed a tree so tall that a gentle breeze at first terrified then thrilled me, I was about seven and after that I would run to the same tree and climb 50 feet off the ground when ever the wind blew and I was able to go.

2. Watching animals being born, kittens, puppies, ducks and chickens, I even midwifed a cow once when grandpa Jorgensen had hurt his shoulder, watching some creature take its first breath is an amazing (and slimy)  experience.

3. The first time I saw my wife, glorious, confident, shining like a polished Safire. I had dated many women, I had enjoyed all my close relationships, but never a person of such quality and charisma had I met. I never felt so attracted to and enjoyment of a person.

4. The last time I saw my wife, I was exhausted and depressed, she was kind and patient, still glorious but now full on life and experience, yet unchanged by time, a little more reserved now, and softened by the love that defines her experience and relationships, her imperfections are still perfect for me.

5. The first deer I took at twelve, my father had taught me to shoot and track, to see the camouflaged, and to be sure of my actions. He was more surprised than I was that I listened and learned his teachings.

6. First testimony of the gospel, doubting so much, such an accomplished sinner. Knowing finally knowing of something real something that made religion make sense. The powerful honest change of heart, a small flame in green fire wood that gives opportunity for sure knowledge if you see the flame and not the nearly unburnable kindling that houses it. With time and faith, knowledge and honest repentant practice, the alchemy of a soul becoming something more than even the self may believe is a joyous journey.

This writing was inspired by two things my nieces blog on a year of gratitude and a prayer to my Heavenly Father to heal my soul from the trials of life. The thoughts to me were comforting and felt purely external, having the effect on me as a child being loved even In his turbulent imperfection.  I see most things in life are just part of living, with precious moments of comfort and relief.

God bless.....

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Healing Metaphors

I had a wound today, some wounds are obvious, and despite the size they are easy to treat. It's the ones inside that worry the medical field. Things that don't show but exist nonetheless these wounds are discovered by changes in things not always examined by the casual observer, blood pressure changes could show internal loss of fluids not long before it becomes serious, but soon enough to help the sufferer.

People are funny, some types of pressures effect how they act and respond to normal everyday stimulus. Start on a scheduled trip late, and the way you drive and feel about other drivers changes remarkably.

Pressure can cause wounds all by its self, a "bed sore" as actually called a pressure wound because someone is so sick or sedated they don't move while resting. The pressure on one spot over a few hours cuts off blood supply and sensation to the place where the wound forms.

I get pressure sores on my soul sometimes, I had one today.

When we get pressure wounds in the hospital it's serious, People die from the associated infection. We bandage and treat for infection. Provide help keeping the needed body reposition happening. And with care even terrible wounds heal in time.

 But what about the soul? Let's see....

Bandages could be a listening ear, a quiet walk, a loud party, the fishing channel, or a book. It depends on the patient. My bandage sometimes is accompanied solitude, I do like people, but sam and fin seem to understand when I'm not ready to talk, listen happily when I do, and love to be in the places where solitude feels best to me. They also serve to keep me from being surprised by any unwelcome or dangerous visitors. That increases my feeling of security even if I become lost in tangled thought gazing at a fire.

These walkabouts are not a replacement for religion, I know others love to seek the temple for these types of treatments. But for me religion is a organized work party even in the temple I'm always aware that what I do and think has consequence I can't let my mind wander at work, and work is what I do most when I worship God our father.

I guess my hike and fire making take work, but it is a nurturing self preserving work. As my small fire is planned for, prepared for, and rises off the cold damp ground, I feel a real warming that seems the say : you are safe, protected and capable of giving your self these associated feelings.i understand that I am in control of many things that effect me, I feel less driven by outside forces, touching the primitive self sufficiency of a simple fire. Quelling darkness and chill at once.

The dogs are not so impressed, they run about and inspect every square foot of my selected brief campsite. I here them ridding my vicinity of all the dangerous birds and squirrels. And after the fire dies down we sit/lay quietly listening to the forest sounds, the occasional aircraft overhead and in the darkness of our favorite canyon wait for the moon to rise. We need the moon to better see our way back down the trail in a few hours.

It is quite profound to me, how much light there is in darkness, how much difference the moon makes on the landscape, and how noisy the "empty" late winter forest really is! The dogs take turn lying across my lap for burr removal, then dash right back into the dark to pick up a dozen more. I sit feeling the warmth of the coals wondering if I could be comfortable sleeping here as I am. treatment is over, I may not feel perfectly renewed, but I feel the nessisary restoration to continue. It takes time to heal completely.... I like the process. I think about how important this is to me, and wonder if I can in any way explain it, even if it makes sense.... I thank God for the teaching as a child that allows me to be comfortable here and the primal connection to these two inarticulate but perfectly expressive companions. The moon is bright, it makes the forest seem like a tri-toned watercolor painting as I walk back. I think I left something behind, I definetly feel lighter now.


Monday, March 10, 2014

a shiny pebble....

i had a patient last night that had suffered a PE or pulmonary embolism, in a nut shell you get a blood clot in the venous system or blood that is returning to the heart.
it easily flows back through your body because the vessels get increasing bigger on the way back and then is pumped through your heart  but it gets stuck in your lungs as the blood passes thru the lungs because it eventually gets caught in the pulmonary vessels as they become increasingly smaller again while moving through picking up oxegen and dropping CO2. Its very very painful and without medicinal treatment with anticoagulants (stuff that helps break up blood clots) it is probably fatal. 

we try to manage pain in the hospital but it requires having the right medication given at the right time, i saw him all thru the night like clockwork. we got to know each other in those visits; he is a working man from a rural environment we had a lot in common and whenever i visited we talked  about things we have done and would like to do. like me he has sacrificed time in the outdoors doing things he loves to be a good father and husband and provide for his family. 

we talked about things he wished he had the chance to do like fishing in Alaska for halibut. a noble goal in the halls of manliness... but we also talked about simpler things, easier things, not done, like fishing on a day off just for relaxation and fun. playing a game of baseball with his kids, or going for a Sunday drive with his wife.

we decided at about 0645 Monday morning that meaningful activities are like a retirement account and  these things can be approached two ways. one: you can buy a lotto ticket every payday hoping for a big miracle payoff, it has happened... or two: you can put a small percentage of you income away for a long period of time

we decided that it would be as much fun in  or lives, taking those opportunities to camp and fish,  laugh and play with our families, as often as time and circumstance will allow, rather than planning and waiting to have a epic awesome trip on the someday.

i still might try a big trip if it can be managed, but i have a wonderful family, a grandson and two awesome dogs that need to have a small fun experience on a regular basis.  a little fishing goes a long way....who wants to go?

Saturday, March 8, 2014

so here i am looking towards the past, feeling rather new and changed, but mostly i am who i was just with different experience. i don't say "new" experience because it is only new to me. 

i have said very little in this forum for a very long time. the reason is not that i love Facebook , i don't, it is shallow and easily controlled it offers limited expression, and thought development. it is populated by those you hardly know or have time to. no one can really ask why? when a person is in a fluctuating state of mind and emotion. people on face book talk of common experiences that we all have, and that is good, but what do you learn? how has "friending someone" (not befriending them) changed you point of view, caused you to see what you have never known existed, or really gave you a feeling, beyond the surface? having just read three blogs in the last hour, written by women i have known since their childhood, it was excellent, i know them better now it is a more human experience, i feel more appreciation for the circumstance of the life they lead so well. the difference between the two social media models, is like being in a room with hundreds of people every one gets one utterance to the whole, or sitting with some one and hearing the thoughts and feeling flow out, and responding to them personally or in a small group. 

yes this is where i would prefer to talk over the distance we all accept as reality in our high speed world.....but what do i say? ,  can people even handle some of what i experience in my life? do i present in the story telling narrative or in the clinical safety of objectivism? how much of my life do i hide and how much to illuminate? it is very interesting to wonder, because now the clarity of this medium may suddenly become to much light in to many places that even i want to forget. and how do i change the stupid font????

my wife and children seemed to value some of what  i experience it seemed to help them see why i am quiet for a while after i get home.

i drive home and it takes some time, i reflect on the experience of the night before, life , death, pain and healing, sorrows and just plain BS crazy(don't ask). the reflections help me to deal with the cost of empathy in my job, i can't fake it as some can, i have to feel it, but it seems to work better. there are however emotional cost. during those times of quiet and alone i think i feel visited by the spirit for the means and mercy of God seeming to try to preserve my sanity and comfort, reassuring me that i can be the person i want to be as a nurse and still survive. i wonder if what i learn at those times would be of value or if it could even be translated to the written word? or if my weakness in writing would change the feeling and therefore the meaning? 

anyhow I'm still trying to figure out what i might say here in this forum?
but it feels good the wonder about it.

Friday, March 2, 2012

11 questions

the rules

1) post these rules

2) post 11 random things about yourself

3) answer the questions of the person who tagged you

4) create 11 new questions for whoever you tag

11 questions for whoever reads this:

1) If you had to live in the mountains or by the ocean, which one would you pick? Why?

mountains, on a river; i walk and hunt better than i paddle and fish...

2) What is the funniest movie you've ever seen?

the ring(sarcastic answer)

phantom of the opera(semi funny,) i had to see this abomination for a class, and gabby had to come along to translate for me and explain what was going on., which is funnier because i loved the silent movie as a child and read the book by Gaston Leroux in grade school.

real answer: ground hog day.

3) Taco Time or Taco Bell (if you say "taco bus" I will love you forevah)?

I'm not trying to curry favor with Kenny, but taco cart for sure.

( uhhh, amigo are you gonna wash that serving spoon?)

4) If you could be really talented at something, what would it be and why?

drawing, i would like to be able to put the pictures in my head into a real medium.

5) Tommy Boy or Zoolander?

tommy boy.

6) What is your favorite thing about summertime?

getting into the mountains.

7) Favorite Beatles song (if you don't have one...that's a little sad)?

black bird, yesterday,

8) If you had to read/re-read one book for the rest of your life (excluding the scriptures, cuz that's a no-brainer), which one would you choose?

Jesus the Christ.

9) How do you feel about ugly sweater parties?

i would rather be naked....say that one time, and you will never be invited again: problem solved.

10) When was the last time you wrote a letter?

by hand? my mission, 1984,1985.

11) What is the best thing you have ever eaten?

Shiro maguro, albacore tuna (sushi) soaked in lemon juice for two days then served in 5 oz filets.

toss the rice, enjoy the burn.

11 questions for those who read this:

1. describe the best sleep you have ever had?

2. what is your dream car/motorcycle?

3. at what moment in your life did you realize that God is real?

4. what is the fastest you have ever driven?

5. do you know that the left lane isn't to just drive in, especially at low speeds?

6. if you had to choose a city to live in for one year, starting tomorrow, where would it be.(cost is not a consideration.)

7. are you ever surprised by others perception of you?

8. impressionist or realist? , cat, or other?

10. altoids or gum?

11. if you could know what people were thinking, would you want to?

Sunday, February 26, 2012

things outside of nursing school.

I have decided that i really hate Facebook.

It is brief, simple, and easy. it is communicative top ramen.

Like top ramen;

It has a familiar flavor so that if you truly know the person writing....
If you understand them in the usual and hopefully correct context, (ie. you know what flavor the package of noodles is supposed to be) then you may see the "inside jokes" and discern the seriousness or humor of the posting or comment.

Last week I saw a friend of mine giving comments that were "out of character" for him. Honestly the commentary that he had been making on his own Facebook page, and the comments he had made on others, only seemed mildly odd, when taken for each individual comment. However if you looked here and there, over a period of a week you began to see the treads of a tapestry that frankly worried me. I tried over a two day period to write a message that I could send that would voice my concern without offending him. I wrote and erased my attempts four times. At the point that I almost gave up, it happened......

In the tradition of all great revelation, it came to me in a pillar of light and a thunder-voice, that I might break all rules of genteel society, think out side the box, truly innovate and risk my sense of decorum......I called him....on a courtesy a bus station....

not really, I just called him, but I actually dialed the number......OK ,OK I used voice activation, but I did it with feeling!

I said to him that it had been a while since i had seen him and would like to take him to lunch. after the initial shock of actually speaking to a voice on the other side of the phone had subsided, he accepted with some trepidation.

It's a funny thing about talking with someone over lunch. You don't need to use an emoticon, or know how to make a particular face using punctuation marks. You don't need to be careful with every word that you write. Fearing you might be judged one way or another. Matter of fact you don't have to say much at all, you don't even have to think very much that all really. The coolest thing about human communication is; that since much of it has to do with visual cues and intonation of voice, and even nonverbal sounds that we make, a look, a sigh, really make all the difference. It doesn't take that much effort; it was, let me see....... if I can remember the old phrase, natural.

Yeah my friend had a lot of things he needed to talk about, but I feel like it was far more effective because of human interaction, I didn't have to explain how I felt or declare that I understood; he knew it, because I was there.

The world moves much faster today than it did when I was a young man, and I'm glad that so many people that I know are able to keep track of and contact each other that otherwise would not able to. There is however the danger that this sterile and substitute form communication, may become the only method by which people communicate most often in their life.

Imagine a world in which you never saw a musical performer do their thing, in fact you never heard them sing, but instead read the lyrics perhaps with emoticons showing the places in the song at which they have particular feeling.

Listening to a Ozzy Osbourne, or Laura Fabian recording is a fine experience, however to see crazy train or Caruso performed, particularly live, is an entirely different experience. Perhaps my allegory is carried a step too far, but that's how I feel. we truly are a multimedia experience communicators. We require: sound, visual input, emotion and context, else there is so much missing from the experience that we may miss the point, or perhaps misunderstand entirely.

Perhaps the role of personal communication, will become an act that demonstrates true personal endearment in the future. Reserved only for those whom it is felt the effort is necessary. philosophically speaking as an open-ended question that I have; to wonder if in the electronic age we've created a separate class of acquaintance, friend, and family; not intentionally of course, but as things we do as a culture; first become passé and then cliché, it is interesting to think where this type of communication may end up being classified.

How satisfying would it be to live on nothing but top Ramen, you could survive, of that there is no doubt, but somehow I think we each would be missing something.

I'm just saying.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011


this spring Spanish fork has been blessed with an abundance of rain, and an abundance of weeds in my wife's garden. although i have never liked gardening my wife does and i love her, so i have to and want to help her. the funny thing about weeding a garden is that it gives you alot of time to think; i guess simple work gives rise to complex thought. what usually end up thinking about is the metaphorical value of weeding in my life.

i have many things about my life of which i am proud and other things that worry me, sometimes to profound sorrow. many of these things are out of my control just like the return of the weeds, but does that mean that i should only pray and hope for a better outcome? the reluctant weeding gardener within me says "no." but i must do all that i can and keep on doing it regardless of the outcome, because a good attitude and completing the work will very likely improve the garden during its season of growth.

my neighbor Vee Hull wrote this editorial for a past ensign article. she read it to me while i visited her and her family last night. it says much of what i feel about this subject, she gave me a copy and gave me permission to print it here. it talks a great deal from her perspective and lessons learned during a long and noble life. i feel this has much to teach me and anyone who cares to listen.


The Worth of Weeds
By Vee Hull

With the arrival of Spring, also came the arrival of an abundance of weeds. I had sustained an injury the previous fall and the weeds went to seed. My husband and I carefully weeded and tilled the garden and did some early planting.

In April, I lost my balance on the bottom outside porch step and fell headlong into my rock garden. My left had jammed into a rock. My wrist and fingers were broken. I was heartsick, discouraged and hurting. I didn’t want my yard to go to weeds again and they were already growing fast. I slowly weeded with my good hand but new weeds quickly grew.

I again went out to weed and as I worked I mentally asked God a question. I said, “I understand you placed weeds here on earth to torment man and to vex us, and Lord - they surely do vex me. Is that the only purpose for weeds, other than to put our kids to work to keep them out of trouble?”

I had no sooner mentally asked the question when my mind flooded with answers, The thoughts came like words and I heard, “All things testify of me and teach of my gospel. The weeds growing in your garden are a shortcut lesson in life. Your garden represents your family. The weeds represent the evils and temptations that come into the life of you and your family.”

With this message in mind, comparisons between weeds and life came quickly. We cannot keep our garden free from weeds, just as we cannot keep our families free from worldly and evil influence. Weeds blow in and some are brought in on the fur of animals . Some even have umbrellas to insure their ability to travel. New weeds come in when you bring in soil or fertilizers to build up the garden. In comparison, television can bring in good seeds of learning like our garden seeds and flowers, or it can bring in the weeds of sinful pornography, vile music, negative advertising, etc. We have to recognize the good and turn off, or “Pull out” the weeds.

Some weeds grow slow, some are aggressive and fast growing. Some so called weeds have nutritious value but are weeds if growing in the wrong place.

We need to recognize the weeds in our life. The Lord has given us clear instructions to protect our families and help them grow strong in the gospel We are instructed to have daily individual and family prayer, to read our scriptures daily and to have home evening. These are the regular weeding tools the Lord has given us to weed out damaging influences that enter our home.

Some weed roots are tender and shallow and will break off if just pulled. they have to be carefully dug around and lifted out. When our children are young and tender, we have to take prayerful care to counter the influences of the popular culture in dress and music so these influences can be lifted out by the roots and not send our children into rebellion.

Some weeds, like Wild Morning Glory or Bind weed,” have roots that go deep and send runners all throughout he garden. The vine encroaches on everything and binds it up. It cannot be pulled but rather has to be killed with appropriate chemicals, and this only with repeated efforts. This type of weed is like drugs and pornography. It takes a deep hold on the life of anyone where it takes root. It “binds” the user to deep addictions that spread and affect others. It is nearly impossible to control or eradicate this “weed” when it enters ones life.

Some weeds, when young, resemble certain flowers and vegetables. If not recognized and weeded out when they are mature enough to be recognized for the weeds they are, they can go to seed and infect the garden. Sin comes disguised in many forms and we need to be watchful for the pretenders.

Some weeds have blossoms that are attractive. One would wonder why they are called weeds unless you are familiar with the mature plant. The puncture weed looks very pretty with its purple blossoms but when left to bloom and mature, those blossoms turn to a burr with sharp strong spines that are vicious enough to flatten a bike tire of cause great pain if stepped on with bare feet. They imbed in the soles of shoes and are carried to other areas to spread. Other plants of this type when mature, form hundreds of burs per plant and catch on the fur of animals and are carried and spread. Thistles have a lovely purple blossom which when mature form little umbrellas that sail and infect entire fields making them unusable for animals to feed on. In the scriptures, a prophet was sent to teach repentance to the people before their incorrect teachings spread like thistle blossoms on the wind and brought the entire people to unbelief.

My young son, out cutting down a field of thistle with me, asked me why God made the blossom so pretty if it was so bad. I explained that we were here on earth to make choices and learn to choose good over evil. I told him that if God made everything sinful appear ugly or taste bad, it wouldn’t be difficult to choose good. Satan puts an attractive appearance on evil to tempt us. God teaches us what is good and what is evil. He teaches us how to recognize evil and how to resist it. We have free agency to choose. Entire nations have gone down in decay because of the spread of attractive weeds of sin, and the inhabitants unwillingness to eradicate them before they went to seed and flourished and spread.

Weeds grow and flourish in the poorest of soils and even with lack of moisture. However, with the addition of soil amendments, fertilizers and water, they grow rapidly and almost outdo the garden plants. this is much like the battle between good and evil. For our homes to be spiritual and nourishing to our families, we must follow the gospel and enrich the soil or foundation of our testimonies and make our homes fertile ground for building the spirituality of our children. We are told that evil keeps pace with spirituality. When one is doing their best to live by the spirit and follow God’s commandments, Satan and his followers do their best to counter their efforts. Tests and roadblocks are put in their way. As the knowledge of the restored gospel spreads, so does Satan’s power and influence increase. If these strong weeds of Satan and his followers are allowed to take hold and not be weeded out, strong testimonies, or “strong plants” can be crowded out.

There is a product made in small granuals that can be spread on the ground and it will stop the germination of seeds. It has to be re-applied to handle further weed seed germination. This product in our garden is like the Holy Ghost in our home. If we are living the gospel sufficient to retain the spirit of the Holy ghost in our homes, it will be difficult for the seeds of sin to germinate. We must be faithful in maintaining this influence in our home or new seeds of sin or temptation will enter in. We must be diligent in following God’s commandments.

If weeds are allowed to grow and go to seed, those seeds multiply by great numbers. They germinate and grow every time the soil is turned and the seeds reach the surface. It takes many successions of weeding to finally eliminate the results of weeds going to seed.

How much better to remove the weeds in our garden when they first appear and prevent them from germinating when possible.

Watching a garden through several seasons and seeing the effect of careful weeding or neglect, shows in that short time what will happen in our families by the time our children mature if we do not take care to nourish and weed the minds of our children and tend the garden of our home for which the Lord has entrusted us.

I will never look at a weed in the same way again.