Monday, April 21, 2014

perfect memories

I wonder why perfection is so fleeting in this world? It seems like if something was perfect it would last longer. There are memories that for me are perfect, even if the unpacking and re packing of them happen often enough, that metaphorically the memories becomes polished and embellished with time.... Here are a few.

1. The first time I climbed a tree so tall that a gentle breeze at first terrified then thrilled me, I was about seven and after that I would run to the same tree and climb 50 feet off the ground when ever the wind blew and I was able to go.

2. Watching animals being born, kittens, puppies, ducks and chickens, I even midwifed a cow once when grandpa Jorgensen had hurt his shoulder, watching some creature take its first breath is an amazing (and slimy)  experience.

3. The first time I saw my wife, glorious, confident, shining like a polished Safire. I had dated many women, I had enjoyed all my close relationships, but never a person of such quality and charisma had I met. I never felt so attracted to and enjoyment of a person.

4. The last time I saw my wife, I was exhausted and depressed, she was kind and patient, still glorious but now full on life and experience, yet unchanged by time, a little more reserved now, and softened by the love that defines her experience and relationships, her imperfections are still perfect for me.

5. The first deer I took at twelve, my father had taught me to shoot and track, to see the camouflaged, and to be sure of my actions. He was more surprised than I was that I listened and learned his teachings.

6. First testimony of the gospel, doubting so much, such an accomplished sinner. Knowing finally knowing of something real something that made religion make sense. The powerful honest change of heart, a small flame in green fire wood that gives opportunity for sure knowledge if you see the flame and not the nearly unburnable kindling that houses it. With time and faith, knowledge and honest repentant practice, the alchemy of a soul becoming something more than even the self may believe is a joyous journey.

This writing was inspired by two things my nieces blog on a year of gratitude and a prayer to my Heavenly Father to heal my soul from the trials of life. The thoughts to me were comforting and felt purely external, having the effect on me as a child being loved even In his turbulent imperfection.  I see most things in life are just part of living, with precious moments of comfort and relief.

God bless.....

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Healing Metaphors

I had a wound today, some wounds are obvious, and despite the size they are easy to treat. It's the ones inside that worry the medical field. Things that don't show but exist nonetheless these wounds are discovered by changes in things not always examined by the casual observer, blood pressure changes could show internal loss of fluids not long before it becomes serious, but soon enough to help the sufferer.

People are funny, some types of pressures effect how they act and respond to normal everyday stimulus. Start on a scheduled trip late, and the way you drive and feel about other drivers changes remarkably.

Pressure can cause wounds all by its self, a "bed sore" as actually called a pressure wound because someone is so sick or sedated they don't move while resting. The pressure on one spot over a few hours cuts off blood supply and sensation to the place where the wound forms.

I get pressure sores on my soul sometimes, I had one today.

When we get pressure wounds in the hospital it's serious, People die from the associated infection. We bandage and treat for infection. Provide help keeping the needed body reposition happening. And with care even terrible wounds heal in time.

 But what about the soul? Let's see....

Bandages could be a listening ear, a quiet walk, a loud party, the fishing channel, or a book. It depends on the patient. My bandage sometimes is accompanied solitude, I do like people, but sam and fin seem to understand when I'm not ready to talk, listen happily when I do, and love to be in the places where solitude feels best to me. They also serve to keep me from being surprised by any unwelcome or dangerous visitors. That increases my feeling of security even if I become lost in tangled thought gazing at a fire.

These walkabouts are not a replacement for religion, I know others love to seek the temple for these types of treatments. But for me religion is a organized work party even in the temple I'm always aware that what I do and think has consequence I can't let my mind wander at work, and work is what I do most when I worship God our father.

I guess my hike and fire making take work, but it is a nurturing self preserving work. As my small fire is planned for, prepared for, and rises off the cold damp ground, I feel a real warming that seems the say : you are safe, protected and capable of giving your self these associated feelings.i understand that I am in control of many things that effect me, I feel less driven by outside forces, touching the primitive self sufficiency of a simple fire. Quelling darkness and chill at once.

The dogs are not so impressed, they run about and inspect every square foot of my selected brief campsite. I here them ridding my vicinity of all the dangerous birds and squirrels. And after the fire dies down we sit/lay quietly listening to the forest sounds, the occasional aircraft overhead and in the darkness of our favorite canyon wait for the moon to rise. We need the moon to better see our way back down the trail in a few hours.

It is quite profound to me, how much light there is in darkness, how much difference the moon makes on the landscape, and how noisy the "empty" late winter forest really is! The dogs take turn lying across my lap for burr removal, then dash right back into the dark to pick up a dozen more. I sit feeling the warmth of the coals wondering if I could be comfortable sleeping here as I am. treatment is over, I may not feel perfectly renewed, but I feel the nessisary restoration to continue. It takes time to heal completely.... I like the process. I think about how important this is to me, and wonder if I can in any way explain it, even if it makes sense.... I thank God for the teaching as a child that allows me to be comfortable here and the primal connection to these two inarticulate but perfectly expressive companions. The moon is bright, it makes the forest seem like a tri-toned watercolor painting as I walk back. I think I left something behind, I definetly feel lighter now.


Monday, March 10, 2014

a shiny pebble....

i had a patient last night that had suffered a PE or pulmonary embolism, in a nut shell you get a blood clot in the venous system or blood that is returning to the heart.
it easily flows back through your body because the vessels get increasing bigger on the way back and then is pumped through your heart  but it gets stuck in your lungs as the blood passes thru the lungs because it eventually gets caught in the pulmonary vessels as they become increasingly smaller again while moving through picking up oxegen and dropping CO2. Its very very painful and without medicinal treatment with anticoagulants (stuff that helps break up blood clots) it is probably fatal. 

we try to manage pain in the hospital but it requires having the right medication given at the right time, i saw him all thru the night like clockwork. we got to know each other in those visits; he is a working man from a rural environment we had a lot in common and whenever i visited we talked  about things we have done and would like to do. like me he has sacrificed time in the outdoors doing things he loves to be a good father and husband and provide for his family. 

we talked about things he wished he had the chance to do like fishing in Alaska for halibut. a noble goal in the halls of manliness... but we also talked about simpler things, easier things, not done, like fishing on a day off just for relaxation and fun. playing a game of baseball with his kids, or going for a Sunday drive with his wife.

we decided at about 0645 Monday morning that meaningful activities are like a retirement account and  these things can be approached two ways. one: you can buy a lotto ticket every payday hoping for a big miracle payoff, it has happened... or two: you can put a small percentage of you income away for a long period of time

we decided that it would be as much fun in  or lives, taking those opportunities to camp and fish,  laugh and play with our families, as often as time and circumstance will allow, rather than planning and waiting to have a epic awesome trip on the someday.

i still might try a big trip if it can be managed, but i have a wonderful family, a grandson and two awesome dogs that need to have a small fun experience on a regular basis.  a little fishing goes a long way....who wants to go?

Saturday, March 8, 2014

so here i am looking towards the past, feeling rather new and changed, but mostly i am who i was just with different experience. i don't say "new" experience because it is only new to me. 

i have said very little in this forum for a very long time. the reason is not that i love Facebook , i don't, it is shallow and easily controlled it offers limited expression, and thought development. it is populated by those you hardly know or have time to. no one can really ask why? when a person is in a fluctuating state of mind and emotion. people on face book talk of common experiences that we all have, and that is good, but what do you learn? how has "friending someone" (not befriending them) changed you point of view, caused you to see what you have never known existed, or really gave you a feeling, beyond the surface? having just read three blogs in the last hour, written by women i have known since their childhood, it was excellent, i know them better now it is a more human experience, i feel more appreciation for the circumstance of the life they lead so well. the difference between the two social media models, is like being in a room with hundreds of people every one gets one utterance to the whole, or sitting with some one and hearing the thoughts and feeling flow out, and responding to them personally or in a small group. 

yes this is where i would prefer to talk over the distance we all accept as reality in our high speed world.....but what do i say? ,  can people even handle some of what i experience in my life? do i present in the story telling narrative or in the clinical safety of objectivism? how much of my life do i hide and how much to illuminate? it is very interesting to wonder, because now the clarity of this medium may suddenly become to much light in to many places that even i want to forget. and how do i change the stupid font????

my wife and children seemed to value some of what  i experience it seemed to help them see why i am quiet for a while after i get home.

i drive home and it takes some time, i reflect on the experience of the night before, life , death, pain and healing, sorrows and just plain BS crazy(don't ask). the reflections help me to deal with the cost of empathy in my job, i can't fake it as some can, i have to feel it, but it seems to work better. there are however emotional cost. during those times of quiet and alone i think i feel visited by the spirit for the means and mercy of God seeming to try to preserve my sanity and comfort, reassuring me that i can be the person i want to be as a nurse and still survive. i wonder if what i learn at those times would be of value or if it could even be translated to the written word? or if my weakness in writing would change the feeling and therefore the meaning? 

anyhow I'm still trying to figure out what i might say here in this forum?
but it feels good the wonder about it.