a shiny pebble....

i had a patient last night that had suffered a PE or pulmonary embolism, in a nut shell you get a blood clot in the venous system or blood that is returning to the heart.
it easily flows back through your body because the vessels get increasing bigger on the way back and then is pumped through your heart  but it gets stuck in your lungs as the blood passes thru the lungs because it eventually gets caught in the pulmonary vessels as they become increasingly smaller again while moving through picking up oxegen and dropping CO2. Its very very painful and without medicinal treatment with anticoagulants (stuff that helps break up blood clots) it is probably fatal. 

we try to manage pain in the hospital but it requires having the right medication given at the right time, i saw him all thru the night like clockwork. we got to know each other in those visits; he is a working man from a rural environment we had a lot in common and whenever i visited we talked  about things we have done and would like to do. like me he has sacrificed time in the outdoors doing things he loves to be a good father and husband and provide for his family. 

we talked about things he wished he had the chance to do like fishing in Alaska for halibut. a noble goal in the halls of manliness... but we also talked about simpler things, easier things, not done, like fishing on a day off just for relaxation and fun. playing a game of baseball with his kids, or going for a Sunday drive with his wife.

we decided at about 0645 Monday morning that meaningful activities are like a retirement account and  these things can be approached two ways. one: you can buy a lotto ticket every payday hoping for a big miracle payoff, it has happened... or two: you can put a small percentage of you income away for a long period of time

we decided that it would be as much fun in  or lives, taking those opportunities to camp and fish,  laugh and play with our families, as often as time and circumstance will allow, rather than planning and waiting to have a epic awesome trip on the someday.

i still might try a big trip if it can be managed, but i have a wonderful family, a grandson and two awesome dogs that need to have a small fun experience on a regular basis.  a little fishing goes a long way....who wants to go?

so here i am looking towards the past, feeling rather new and changed, but mostly i am who i was just with different experience. i don't say "new" experience because it is only new to me. 

i have said very little in this forum for a very long time. the reason is not that i love Facebook , i don't, it is shallow and easily controlled it offers limited expression, and thought development. it is populated by those you hardly know or have time to. no one can really ask why? when a person is in a fluctuating state of mind and emotion. people on face book talk of common experiences that we all have, and that is good, but what do you learn? how has "friending someone" (not befriending them) changed you point of view, caused you to see what you have never known existed, or really gave you a feeling, beyond the surface? having just read three blogs in the last hour, written by women i have known since their childhood, it was excellent, i know them better now it is a more human experience, i feel more appreciation for the circumstance of the life they lead so well. the difference between the two social media models, is like being in a room with hundreds of people every one gets one utterance to the whole, or sitting with some one and hearing the thoughts and feeling flow out, and responding to them personally or in a small group. 

yes this is where i would prefer to talk over the distance we all accept as reality in our high speed world.....but what do i say? ,  can people even handle some of what i experience in my life? do i present in the story telling narrative or in the clinical safety of objectivism? how much of my life do i hide and how much to illuminate? it is very interesting to wonder, because now the clarity of this medium may suddenly become to much light in to many places that even i want to forget. and how do i change the stupid font????

my wife and children seemed to value some of what  i experience it seemed to help them see why i am quiet for a while after i get home.

i drive home and it takes some time, i reflect on the experience of the night before, life , death, pain and healing, sorrows and just plain BS crazy(don't ask). the reflections help me to deal with the cost of empathy in my job, i can't fake it as some can, i have to feel it, but it seems to work better. there are however emotional cost. during those times of quiet and alone i think i feel visited by the spirit for the means and mercy of God seeming to try to preserve my sanity and comfort, reassuring me that i can be the person i want to be as a nurse and still survive. i wonder if what i learn at those times would be of value or if it could even be translated to the written word? or if my weakness in writing would change the feeling and therefore the meaning? 

anyhow I'm still trying to figure out what i might say here in this forum?
but it feels good the wonder about it.

11 questions

the rules

1) post these rules

2) post 11 random things about yourself

3) answer the questions of the person who tagged you

4) create 11 new questions for whoever you tag

11 questions for whoever reads this:

1) If you had to live in the mountains or by the ocean, which one would you pick? Why?

mountains, on a river; i walk and hunt better than i paddle and fish...

2) What is the funniest movie you've ever seen?

the ring(sarcastic answer)

phantom of the opera(semi funny,) i had to see this abomination for a class, and gabby had to come along to translate for me and explain what was going on., which is funnier because i loved the silent movie as a child and read the book by Gaston Leroux in grade school.

real answer: ground hog day.

3) Taco Time or Taco Bell (if you say "taco bus" I will love you forevah)?

I'm not trying to curry favor with Kenny, but taco cart for sure.

( uhhh, amigo are you gonna wash that serving spoon?)

4) If you could be really talented at something, what would it be and why?

drawing, i would like to be able to put the pictures in my head into a real medium.

5) Tommy Boy or Zoolander?

tommy boy.

6) What is your favorite thing about summertime?

getting into the mountains.

7) Favorite Beatles song (if you don't have one...that's a little sad)?

black bird, yesterday,

8) If you had to read/re-read one book for the rest of your life (excluding the scriptures, cuz that's a no-brainer), which one would you choose?

Jesus the Christ.

9) How do you feel about ugly sweater parties?

i would rather be naked....say that one time, and you will never be invited again: problem solved.

10) When was the last time you wrote a letter?

by hand? my mission, 1984,1985.

11) What is the best thing you have ever eaten?

Shiro maguro, albacore tuna (sushi) soaked in lemon juice for two days then served in 5 oz filets.

toss the rice, enjoy the burn.

11 questions for those who read this:

1. describe the best sleep you have ever had?

2. what is your dream car/motorcycle?

3. at what moment in your life did you realize that God is real?

4. what is the fastest you have ever driven?

5. do you know that the left lane isn't to just drive in, especially at low speeds?

6. if you had to choose a city to live in for one year, starting tomorrow, where would it be.(cost is not a consideration.)

7. are you ever surprised by others perception of you?

8. impressionist or realist?

9.dog , cat, or other?

10. altoids or gum?

11. if you could know what people were thinking, would you want to?

things outside of nursing school.

I have decided that i really hate Facebook.

It is brief, simple, and easy. it is communicative top ramen.

Like top ramen;

It has a familiar flavor so that if you truly know the person writing....
If you understand them in the usual and hopefully correct context, (ie. you know what flavor the package of noodles is supposed to be) then you may see the "inside jokes" and discern the seriousness or humor of the posting or comment.

Last week I saw a friend of mine giving comments that were "out of character" for him. Honestly the commentary that he had been making on his own Facebook page, and the comments he had made on others, only seemed mildly odd, when taken for each individual comment. However if you looked here and there, over a period of a week you began to see the treads of a tapestry that frankly worried me. I tried over a two day period to write a message that I could send that would voice my concern without offending him. I wrote and erased my attempts four times. At the point that I almost gave up, it happened......

In the tradition of all great revelation, it came to me in a pillar of light and a thunder-voice, that I might break all rules of genteel society, think out side the box, truly innovate and risk my sense of decorum......I called him....on a courtesy phone......in a bus station....

not really, I just called him, but I actually dialed the number......OK ,OK I used voice activation, but I did it with feeling!

I said to him that it had been a while since i had seen him and would like to take him to lunch. after the initial shock of actually speaking to a voice on the other side of the phone had subsided, he accepted with some trepidation.


It's a funny thing about talking with someone over lunch. You don't need to use an emoticon, or know how to make a particular face using punctuation marks. You don't need to be careful with every word that you write. Fearing you might be judged one way or another. Matter of fact you don't have to say much at all, you don't even have to think very much that all really. The coolest thing about human communication is; that since much of it has to do with visual cues and intonation of voice, and even nonverbal sounds that we make, a look, a sigh, really make all the difference. It doesn't take that much effort; it was, let me see....... if I can remember the old phrase, natural.

Yeah my friend had a lot of things he needed to talk about, but I feel like it was far more effective because of human interaction, I didn't have to explain how I felt or declare that I understood; he knew it, because I was there.

The world moves much faster today than it did when I was a young man, and I'm glad that so many people that I know are able to keep track of and contact each other that otherwise would not able to. There is however the danger that this sterile and substitute form communication, may become the only method by which people communicate most often in their life.

Imagine a world in which you never saw a musical performer do their thing, in fact you never heard them sing, but instead read the lyrics perhaps with emoticons showing the places in the song at which they have particular feeling.

Listening to a Ozzy Osbourne, or Laura Fabian recording is a fine experience, however to see crazy train or Caruso performed, particularly live, is an entirely different experience. Perhaps my allegory is carried a step too far, but that's how I feel. we truly are a multimedia experience communicators. We require: sound, visual input, emotion and context, else there is so much missing from the experience that we may miss the point, or perhaps misunderstand entirely.

Perhaps the role of personal communication, will become an act that demonstrates true personal endearment in the future. Reserved only for those whom it is felt the effort is necessary. philosophically speaking as an open-ended question that I have; to wonder if in the electronic age we've created a separate class of acquaintance, friend, and family; not intentionally of course, but as things we do as a culture; first become passé and then cliché, it is interesting to think where this type of communication may end up being classified.

How satisfying would it be to live on nothing but top Ramen, you could survive, of that there is no doubt, but somehow I think we each would be missing something.

I'm just saying.

Monday, June 13, 2011

weeding.

this spring Spanish fork has been blessed with an abundance of rain, and an abundance of weeds in my wife's garden. although i have never liked gardening my wife does and i love her, so i have to and want to help her. the funny thing about weeding a garden is that it gives you alot of time to think; i guess simple work gives rise to complex thought. what usually end up thinking about is the metaphorical value of weeding in my life.

i have many things about my life of which i am proud and other things that worry me, sometimes to profound sorrow. many of these things are out of my control just like the return of the weeds, but does that mean that i should only pray and hope for a better outcome? the reluctant weeding gardener within me says "no." but i must do all that i can and keep on doing it regardless of the outcome, because a good attitude and completing the work will very likely improve the garden during its season of growth.

my neighbor Vee Hull wrote this editorial for a past ensign article. she read it to me while i visited her and her family last night. it says much of what i feel about this subject, she gave me a copy and gave me permission to print it here. it talks a great deal from her perspective and lessons learned during a long and noble life. i feel this has much to teach me and anyone who cares to listen.

SR

The Worth of Weeds
By Vee Hull

With the arrival of Spring, also came the arrival of an abundance of weeds. I had sustained an injury the previous fall and the weeds went to seed. My husband and I carefully weeded and tilled the garden and did some early planting.

In April, I lost my balance on the bottom outside porch step and fell headlong into my rock garden. My left had jammed into a rock. My wrist and fingers were broken. I was heartsick, discouraged and hurting. I didn’t want my yard to go to weeds again and they were already growing fast. I slowly weeded with my good hand but new weeds quickly grew.

I again went out to weed and as I worked I mentally asked God a question. I said, “I understand you placed weeds here on earth to torment man and to vex us, and Lord - they surely do vex me. Is that the only purpose for weeds, other than to put our kids to work to keep them out of trouble?”

I had no sooner mentally asked the question when my mind flooded with answers, The thoughts came like words and I heard, “All things testify of me and teach of my gospel. The weeds growing in your garden are a shortcut lesson in life. Your garden represents your family. The weeds represent the evils and temptations that come into the life of you and your family.”

With this message in mind, comparisons between weeds and life came quickly. We cannot keep our garden free from weeds, just as we cannot keep our families free from worldly and evil influence. Weeds blow in and some are brought in on the fur of animals . Some even have umbrellas to insure their ability to travel. New weeds come in when you bring in soil or fertilizers to build up the garden. In comparison, television can bring in good seeds of learning like our garden seeds and flowers, or it can bring in the weeds of sinful pornography, vile music, negative advertising, etc. We have to recognize the good and turn off, or “Pull out” the weeds.

Some weeds grow slow, some are aggressive and fast growing. Some so called weeds have nutritious value but are weeds if growing in the wrong place.

We need to recognize the weeds in our life. The Lord has given us clear instructions to protect our families and help them grow strong in the gospel We are instructed to have daily individual and family prayer, to read our scriptures daily and to have home evening. These are the regular weeding tools the Lord has given us to weed out damaging influences that enter our home.

Some weed roots are tender and shallow and will break off if just pulled. they have to be carefully dug around and lifted out. When our children are young and tender, we have to take prayerful care to counter the influences of the popular culture in dress and music so these influences can be lifted out by the roots and not send our children into rebellion.

Some weeds, like Wild Morning Glory or Bind weed,” have roots that go deep and send runners all throughout he garden. The vine encroaches on everything and binds it up. It cannot be pulled but rather has to be killed with appropriate chemicals, and this only with repeated efforts. This type of weed is like drugs and pornography. It takes a deep hold on the life of anyone where it takes root. It “binds” the user to deep addictions that spread and affect others. It is nearly impossible to control or eradicate this “weed” when it enters ones life.

Some weeds, when young, resemble certain flowers and vegetables. If not recognized and weeded out when they are mature enough to be recognized for the weeds they are, they can go to seed and infect the garden. Sin comes disguised in many forms and we need to be watchful for the pretenders.

Some weeds have blossoms that are attractive. One would wonder why they are called weeds unless you are familiar with the mature plant. The puncture weed looks very pretty with its purple blossoms but when left to bloom and mature, those blossoms turn to a burr with sharp strong spines that are vicious enough to flatten a bike tire of cause great pain if stepped on with bare feet. They imbed in the soles of shoes and are carried to other areas to spread. Other plants of this type when mature, form hundreds of burs per plant and catch on the fur of animals and are carried and spread. Thistles have a lovely purple blossom which when mature form little umbrellas that sail and infect entire fields making them unusable for animals to feed on. In the scriptures, a prophet was sent to teach repentance to the people before their incorrect teachings spread like thistle blossoms on the wind and brought the entire people to unbelief.

My young son, out cutting down a field of thistle with me, asked me why God made the blossom so pretty if it was so bad. I explained that we were here on earth to make choices and learn to choose good over evil. I told him that if God made everything sinful appear ugly or taste bad, it wouldn’t be difficult to choose good. Satan puts an attractive appearance on evil to tempt us. God teaches us what is good and what is evil. He teaches us how to recognize evil and how to resist it. We have free agency to choose. Entire nations have gone down in decay because of the spread of attractive weeds of sin, and the inhabitants unwillingness to eradicate them before they went to seed and flourished and spread.

Weeds grow and flourish in the poorest of soils and even with lack of moisture. However, with the addition of soil amendments, fertilizers and water, they grow rapidly and almost outdo the garden plants. this is much like the battle between good and evil. For our homes to be spiritual and nourishing to our families, we must follow the gospel and enrich the soil or foundation of our testimonies and make our homes fertile ground for building the spirituality of our children. We are told that evil keeps pace with spirituality. When one is doing their best to live by the spirit and follow God’s commandments, Satan and his followers do their best to counter their efforts. Tests and roadblocks are put in their way. As the knowledge of the restored gospel spreads, so does Satan’s power and influence increase. If these strong weeds of Satan and his followers are allowed to take hold and not be weeded out, strong testimonies, or “strong plants” can be crowded out.

There is a product made in small granuals that can be spread on the ground and it will stop the germination of seeds. It has to be re-applied to handle further weed seed germination. This product in our garden is like the Holy Ghost in our home. If we are living the gospel sufficient to retain the spirit of the Holy ghost in our homes, it will be difficult for the seeds of sin to germinate. We must be faithful in maintaining this influence in our home or new seeds of sin or temptation will enter in. We must be diligent in following God’s commandments.

If weeds are allowed to grow and go to seed, those seeds multiply by great numbers. They germinate and grow every time the soil is turned and the seeds reach the surface. It takes many successions of weeding to finally eliminate the results of weeds going to seed.

How much better to remove the weeds in our garden when they first appear and prevent them from germinating when possible.

Watching a garden through several seasons and seeing the effect of careful weeding or neglect, shows in that short time what will happen in our families by the time our children mature if we do not take care to nourish and weed the minds of our children and tend the garden of our home for which the Lord has entrusted us.

I will never look at a weed in the same way again.

letters to the school year.

dear, fall 2010/spring 2011

oh my gosh what a year. walking with you was like spending days troding through a valley filled with amazing things and wonderous knowledge, and not realizing how far you have come until you pause for a moment to look back and see where you have been.

the moment turns into a while, and a little longer still. you drop your pack sit on it and see how far, far truely is.

microbiology
wow you turned all my friends into grem-a-phobs but i loved you with passion and all the bugs you introduced me to. so grateful you were taught by a medical doctor his ability to explain from the treatment perspective was far better than re-memorizing general biology again. and to my kids sorry about all the unsolicitated freely given and nausiating information, but now you can tell your friends all about the microbs tranfered in a single kiss, and name all 37 of them! and tell them what antibiotic it will take to remove it from your system! hellooooooo Ciprofloxacin!
(evil laugh)

english my old enemy, how i loath thee.....
luckily i had back up...
thanks scott L and amy B. you got me through two, count them, two unmerciful english classes. and now i am your slave.....good trade.


ethics and values....the single weirdest teacher i have ever met in my whole freaking life........waste of time...nuff said.

nutrition....i think i was supposed to take you before i took micro, gereral anatomy, and physiology. and dr. barthel you actually marked that question wrong because "i gave to detailed an explanation of lipogenesis"....really? i don't remember you saying that we weren't allowed to used other information from other classes.........it was the only point i lost in your class....your the boss dude, whatever.

and all those other classes that keep teacher employed.....i learned something in each of you that was either interesting, enjoyable, or helped me grow in other ways.
so thanks

pathophyisiology..... another medical doctor/ teacher, alot of stuff not written in the book, the testing seemed not only unfair but akin to swimming in an avalanche.
micro turned my friends into germ-a-phobs you turned me into a hypochondriac....
it got to be funny with my group of friends on the front row that you would list every disease aimed at a 46 year old diabetic with high stress and pronounced obesity. by the end of the semester i felt like my very existance was in defiance to the very laws governing fine sub atomic adhesion and expected to burst into flames at any given moment. the first B in my late college carrer. i have never felt so saticfied with and average grade. i'll take it, gratefully.

life....you have reminded me that people matter:

more than the medicine that heals them.
more than the doctors and nurses that work to help them.
more than books
more than the next test.
the very existance of life must give an enhanced sence of hope
hope of life give reason to treat, heal, and learn how to do it better.

so i will keep trying.

becca..... you have taught me how soft my heart is where my childeren are concerned. i'm glad you are coming home. in the next few weeks i will prepare a place for you...another bedroom, another bathroom. a seat next to me in church.

another carpenter prepares a place for you as well. teach my grand child about him. show the way. you can do it.

yep...been one great year. looking back on what has been crossed i see two sets of foot prints...

beileve.

FOR YOU .....



I found this last week while I walked in the snow.

I was searching for something very different than this on my ipod;

I was looking for something grey and bleak, for that is how i felt in that moment, never the less, this was the first thing on the Google list.

I chanced to look at it and my night changed.

Someone I love is walking a thorny path and I knew today that I needed to find this again and place it here.

I don't know if they will find it, might take days,

but it is here as am I.




believe and you will exceed

Believe in Love
Believe in Faith
Believe in Truth
Believe that no matter what happens, you have the power to prevail

Believe in Strength
Believe in Courage
Believe in Honor
Believe that everyone has the power to be good at heart

Believe in Song
Believe in Dance
Believe in Culture
Believe that no matter who you are or where you’re from- everyone is unique

Believe in things you never would
Believe in doing things you never could
Believe in achievement
Believe that if you think you can, you can- but if you think you can’t, you won’t.

Believe in the damned
Believe in the degenerate
Believe in the corrupted
Believe that evil does exist in many forms, but all can be overcome

Believe in spiritual
Believe in holy
Believe in sacred
Believe that your personal values can never be taken from you

Believe in mad
Believe in depressed
Believe in suicidal
Believe that one smile can save a life

Believe in magic
Believe in hope
Believe in dreams
Believe that the unbelievable happens everyday

Believe in time
Believe in forever
Believe in YOU
Believe that as long as you believe in yourself- anything is possible

Ricky Baker